A Humorous Look at Radiation Therapy

Since I had a recurrence of tongue cancer, I will be needing radiation therapy. There is no history of cancer in my family (sorry kids, there is now), so I don’t know much about it, but what from what I have learned so far, it is a riot!

I actually googled “radiation therapy humor” and got things like:

“Mammogramming your boobs is more important than Instagramming them.”

“You must be a photon, ’cause you just took me to an excited state.”

And, “It will make you look radiant!”

I then did some research and found that going through radiation is not all bad.

You lose your sense of taste so losing weight is snap.

They custom fit you for a mask that looks like chain-mail and use it to lock you down on the table so you cannot move. No more wondering what to wear for Halloween parties.

Radiation burns your skin and throat so even if you get a cold or other bug, you won’t notice.

In an era of hunkering down, staying at home, and sheltering in place, it gets you out of the house every day.

Want some Oxy? Noooo problem.

Eating becomes work, and most people lose up to 50 pounds on the radiation therapy diet. Don’t want to work that hard at eating? They’ll stick a feeding tube back in you, and you can lie back and let gravity do the hard part.

The first two weeks are apparently not too bad, but then exhaustion sets in and by the end of the 6 week run, it’s all you can do to go there, come back, and sleep, solving the problem of what to do during the Covid 19 crisis.

My initial appointment to get the mask of terror fitted and determine where to aim the death ray is April 2, and it should be all over by the end of May.

My goal is to finish this process with no feeding tube, no wires, no narcotics, no weight loss, no Coronavirus, and no funeral. As always, prayers and other good Karma gratefully accepted.

One last thing: after radiation comes the after-glow.