Infants have no problem with eye contact. They zero in on you when you look at them, and though at some point you might look away, when you look back they are still locked on to you like a sidewinder missile.
At some point, this changes and most kids become wary of making eye contact. I had to work with my kids when they were young teenagers to look at me when we were talking. It did not come easy. There was one exception. I told them that when they received a compliment, to always look down at their feet, draw circles on the ground with one of their toes, and say “aww, shucks.” This was cruel on my part – the proper response being to look at the complimenter and say a simple “thank you” – and revealed that I had watched altogether too much of the Andy Griffith Show when I was a boy. “Aww shucks Aunt Bee,” Opie would so often say.
My parents moved a lot when I was young, and I never made a lot of friends since it seemed I was always in a new school. I didn’t think that people, as a rule, liked me. I was not depressed about that, it was just the way it was.
As a sophomore in high school, I began thinking about how to change that. I realized that walking around school, my gaze was usually down at the ground or up in the sky looking at airplanes, and my expression was less – as in expression-less. I decided I would start walking around with a smile on my face, just to see what happened. It was hard and awkward at first, but after a while it became my default expression. I also decided to say hi to people as they passed, and started learning the names of my classmates and committing them to memory. It is impossible to say hi to someone without looking at them, so I also began making eye contact. Over time, people would smile back, and occasionally remember my name.
It felt good, but it didn’t occur to me that a major alteration in my social life had taken place until someone told me: “Ken, everyone likes you.” I was floored. I had no idea. Looking at people, saying hi, and smiling worked.
As an adult, I still walk around with a smile on my face, looking at people as they pass by, often giving them an ever-so-slight additional lift of my cheeks that suggests that I see them, I acknowledge them, and want them to know I am smiling at them. In some towns, this might lead people to immediately avert their gaze, but in Portland, more often than not, I get an immediate, involuntary return smile back. “Made you smile,” I’ll say to myself.
But now we all wear masks when we go outside. It is a deeply depressing time, made more so, so I thought, because we can no longer smile at each other. But I was wrong. The best part of a smile is the smile that comes through the eyes. The slight squint, the lilt of the outer edges, the eyebrow lift, the eye contact.
So I started trying to make eye contact and smiling through my mask as I saw people in the elevator (maintaining 6′ separation) or while walking outside (maintaining at least 6′ separation). To my dismay, no return smiles, no acknowledgment, no eye contact. It was as if I didn’t exist, as if looking at someone else would expose them to the virus.
Somehow, physical separation has inculcated in us a perceived need for social isolation as well. “Social distancing” – a misnomer – has been taken too far, and we have become reluctant to talk to one another, and even acknowledge each other’s existence (except that wary look that says “are you sure you want to take this elevator, maybe you want to take the next one”).
Let me be the first to say this: you cannot catch Covid 19 through eye to eye contact! You cannot catch the Coronavirus through a smile. Acknowledging each other’s existence does not put any of us at risk.
So I am now back to smiling at people I come across, albeit through a mask, and watching in wonder at how much we are able to communicate through our eyes, and hoping against hope that I will get an involuntary smile back. And occasionally, even now, I do.
“Made you smile.”
10 thoughts on “Eye Contact”
This is brilliant!!!!! Thank you so much for the reminder!!!!
Sent from my iPhone
It’s not just your classmates; I don’t like you, either.
Sounds like a challenge! How about I pick up the tab next time we go to The Range?
Deal! That was easy.
Wow! What a wise and timely post. Thank you.
Funny that you should write this, Ken, but I had the exact same thought this morning while I was walking my dog, and wondering if people knew that I was smiling at them while my face was covered, but figured they could see it in my eyes.
Hope you are doing well, man…What’s the latest on your health?
On Wed, Apr 8, 2020 at 11:40 AM 2 WASTED MINUTES wrote:
> Ken Fransen posted: “Infants have no problem with eye contact. They zero > in on you when you look at them, and though at some point you might look > away, when you look back they are still locked on to you like a sidewinder > missile. At some point, this changes and most kids bec” >
Now I wave.
Hi Ken. Great blog. A smile is always a good thing, even if it isn’t reciprocated via eyes!!! How is your recovery coming? Are you having to go out for doc appointments or can you do that via Facetine or such? We are hunkering down here at the lake where it is beautiful and peaceful, and very easy to avoid people 😊. We walk the skidoo trails! We came back from CA 2 weeks early and under the circumstances, we were happy to be back in Canada. While we don’t like our lightweight PM, at least he adheres to the health care experts advice. Of course, he is spending our tax dollars like crazy, which would be forgivable if he hadn’t squandered so much in previous years. We are both well, dodged some inadvertent exposure ( 2 couples from the Rv resort) , and are happy to continue to self- isolate as our part to conquer this nasty Covid19 foe ! Stay well, friend, and let us know how you are faring. Big hugs and a virtual smile from your Saskatchewan friends.
Barb and I are using our daily walks to explore new neighbourhoods in our area of Waterloo. It’s been quite a revelation. Ironically, the need to practice physical distancing has had the effect of us smiling and saying hi to complete strangers. In the pre-PD (physical distancing) past, we would probably have walked by head bowed and unsmiling. Now, however, as we veer to the side to ensure a minimum of 6’ between us, we smile and say hi. In part (at least on my part), it’s to salve a sense of guilt for appearing to be anti-social.
How are you doing?
Great piece; you made me smile.
Douglas B. Jensen
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